Divorce. Divorce sucks. Divorce with kids sucks even more. Let’s face it, if you divorce your spouse and you don’t have any DNA evidence of your union, you will likely walk away and never see that person again—heck you may not even tell any new prospects you were ever married before! But, when little humans are involved, no such thing is possible. Not only do you have to see each other again, but you also have to communicate with each other and, hopefully, co-parent for many years.

I could go into a long diatribe about the importance of choosing your life partner and spouse wisely, or about carefully planning procreation decisions, or even warn you against marrying young, but alas, for most of us it is a done deal and we can’t un-ring the bell—nor would we if given the choice. So, in the face of a broken union and heart, with little eyes looking into yours, little hands grasping the hands of the two people who make up their world, and little hearts struggling to understand, how can we move forward?

I was in this exact place 12 years ago. I met my future ex-husband when I was 17, married at 21, became a mom at 23, and divorced at 24. It was a whirlwind marriage and divorce, and it ended as abruptly as it started. I was lost, sad, angry, lonely, confused, very young, and completely ill-equipped to handle all the changes that were to come. Don’t get me wrong; I was 100% sure my marriage needed to end, I had zero doubts about exiting the relationship but taking my leave from my marriage was not equivalent to moving on from my ex-husband. Nope, we had a baby—a newborn baby to be exact—and it was time to figure out how we would structure a life as a family but not under one roof.

The first few years were rough—and that is an understatement.  We fought, competed, went to court, insulted, tracked every text and email as evidence of wrongdoing, documented every scratch, bruise, and bump, went back to court, all in a continuous cycle. We were filled with hate and resentment and made sure we were each fully aware of it. But then it hit us one day as we walked to our cars after a long day in court, that we weren’t married anymore but were still behaving as if we were . . . But without ANY of the benefits. Wait! We are divorced! We solved our problems by separating and now we can let go of what was, what didn’t happen, what did happen that shouldn’t have, what could have been, what was said, what wasn’t said. It didn’t matter anymore! We had moved on and left it all in the past. All we had left to connect us was a beautiful little boy who we both loved more than life itself. Nothing more.

That afternoon everything changed. We amicably resolved our issues and custody schedule outside of court. We agreed to love our son and treat each other with respect. We no longer rehashed the mistakes and woes of our marriage. When we looked at each other, we chose to see our son instead of our failed union. And I emphasize choice because that’s what it was, a choice: a choice to live and behave differently for the sake of our son’s future and well-being.

I am not naïve or insensitive to the fact that this is all easier said than done. Some marriages end in unresolved heartbreak but, may I suggest, why allow the sadness, anger, and frustration of a bad marriage to continue when you are no longer in it? Those emotions, whether they are spoken or not, will and do affect your children. They know how you feel and either learn to feel the way you do about the other parent, defend the other parent—which is hurtful and even more infuriating to you—or, more damaging, you leave a mark on a little soul who can’t help but love both his or her parents.

Once my ex-husband and I made different choices, something amazing happened: our son blossomed. He became happier and more secure than he had ever been. We encouraged him to love and enjoy his time regardless of where he was. We signed off on the ownership of being the favorite and most liked parent. And, guess what? I was happier! I started finding solid ground again. I started loving my life again. And, most surprising, I gained a friend: my ex-husband. Yes, you read that right! He became a friend. I re-discovered the things I liked about him when I met him. He was not the perfect husband for me but he was a friend and a good person. I was in a place where I had the clarity to see that.

For the last ten years, my ex-husband has hung my Christmas lights, fixed my car, and helped install new appliances. We have swapped weekends and holidays, shared holiday meals, and hosted joint birthday parties. And my son is the beneficiary of this redefined family. He has the freedom to love each of us, to enjoy his time at both houses, and to hold zero responsibility for our failed marriage or our feelings. He can be a kid with a mom and dad who love him and respect each other.

Getting to this place is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing I have had to do. But the choice I had to make was to prioritize my son’s happiness over the residual feelings from a failed and heartbreaking marriage. I had to give my son a chance. A chance to go into the world without having to shoulder my emotions, feelings, and resentment. His little heart can’t and shouldn’t be burdened by his parents’ adult decisions and mistakes. If you find yourself wanting to wring your ex’s neck: stop and choose your child. Choose their happiness.

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Liz Thompson is a corporately trained, internationally educated, successful entrepreneur while enduring life’s most difficult moments. She consciously exited corporate America to help raise her blended family and start her business to help others bring their stories to life. You can find Liz at http://www.housestyleediting.com/

Guest Post by: Jennie Lee Hourston

“Yeah – well you damn well better be!” December 27th, 2003. Those were the words that would change my life forever. I met my ex-husband (let’s call him Aiden) in 1997. I was with him for 7 years in total. We married in 2001 and I left in 2004. There were years of emotional, physical, financial and verbal abuse. Despite counselling (court ordered), when we fought, I didn’t feel safe. That particular night, I told him that I was afraid of him. He looked me right in the eye and said “yeah – well you damn well better be.” That was when I decided to leave. I thought if I had to fear the man who was supposed to love and protect me most in the world, there was no point in staying and things would never be better. Most of all, I had 2 children (an 8 year old boy and 2 year old girl) that meant everything to me. I didn’t want my son to grow up feeling he could treat women like that or my baby girl to be treated and suffer the way I had by her future husband.

The process of leaving and getting settled in my own place was not easy. The first year was more difficult than I could have imagined. Aiden and I were still having blow-ups like we did when we lived together. The one that changed it all was in 2005. Police were called and he was removed by 2 officers from my front lawn. The kids were screaming and crying. He called me later that evening to apologize to me. I said “I can’t do this anymore. I loved you enough to marry you and now we can’t stand to be around each other. Look what this is doing to our kids.” Together we decided that we would put our differences aside, find it somewhere in our hearts to forgive the pain we both felt that had been laid upon us in order to move forward. Not just for the children, but for ourselves. It was not easy because we were both jilted and felt grief, rejection, failure, regret and pain. We both agreed - how could we possibly have any kind of happiness if we were so busy trying to make each other miserable and stuck in the past?

 It started with baby steps and it wasn’t easy. We would pick up and drop off the kids at a coffee shop in a busy plaza. There was very little communication between us. Little by little, Aiden and I learned to trust each other again. We would discuss school events and I would invite him to school concerts, the kids’ activities and special occasions. Then pick up and drop off would occur at our homes. If he dropped the kids off, I pick them up and vice-versa. We would exchange Christmas presents and he would stay to watch the kids open their gifts and once or twice, even had dinner at my mum’s house with us. We built a friendship that is hard for some people to understand and I am very grateful that we did. My kids know that they have a mom and a dad who love them and will do what is best for them. We talk about and celebrate their accomplishments and help them through the challenges as best we can. The experiences I had with him when we were married does not define who he is as a father or the man he is today. He has been there for them (and for me) in ways I never thought possible. My current boyfriend completely understands and accepts all of it. Aiden lives with his girlfriend and her 2 sons and they have been a huge part of my kid’s life. She is very loving and has always treated my kids as if they were her own. Knowing that my kids love her and her kids so much is a comfort to me – they are extended family.

To anyone going through a horrible divorce or separation, my advice is to have a conversation about what you want for your kids and for your own future. Do you want to have some peace and happiness again? When a marriage falls apart, that does not mean the family ends. It just changes. You decide if it changes for the better – for all parties involved.

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Guests posts are a new feature we are providing to give our clients a view into the experiences and expertise of others in the area of separation and divorce. If you are interested in contributing, please email us at info@modernseparations.com with your ideas!

In our constantly changing world, people need to know not only how to master riding the waves of change themselves but also how to prepare their children for future success. How can we teach our children how to cope with uncertainty and frequent shifts in our culture, economy, professional lives, and more?

Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl have written a fascinating book which dives into the culture of a particular country - Denmark - found to have the happiest people on earth by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) almost every year since 1973. The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know about Raising Confident, Capable Kids provides insight into a parenting culture that is palpably distinct from what we see in North America these days, where helicopter parenting, over-scheduling, gold medals for participation, and anxiety in adults and children are rampant.

The authors use the word "PARENT" as an acronym to organize their core concepts:

P: Play

The authors tell us that free play is crucial for learning resilience - it teaches children to deal with stress and to be less anxious. The ability to "bounce back" and regulate emotions is key to success in adulthood. Play helps develop things like socialization, autonomy, cohesion, democracy, and self-esteem, which the Danes believe develops a strong internal compass to guide people through life. Of note, it is "free play", not directed play, which builds these skills. As such, Danes try not to interfere unless absolutely necessary and opt rather to give space and trust for children to develop self-reliance and authentic self-esteem (as a result of mastery). The authors encourage play without electronics, with art, with groups of mixed ages, as well as alone.

A: Authenticity

Danes value humility and authenticity. They believe that we shouldn't only focus on the good but also discuss upsetting events and tragedies as this builds greater empathy for others and gratitude for the simple things in our lives. The authors state: "If we teach our children to recognize and accept their authentic feelings, good or bad, and act in a way that's consistent with their values, the challenges and rough patches in life won't topple them."  As parents, this means that we also need to model emotional honesty; our kids see how we feel anger, joy, frustration, etc. and how we express our feelings to the world. Accepting feelings, rather than numbing and burying them, helps develop overall self-acceptance and life satisfaction. Nurturing humility, the authors say, means focusing praise on the task and effort, and not on the intrinsic value of the person. This encourages hard work and doesn't tie a child's self-esteem to the success of any particular project or outcome.

R: Reframing

Reframing is a way of using language to create a perception shift; finding the silver lining in any situation. The authors state that being a master reframer is a cornerstone of resilience and that Danes are master reframers, or what psychologists call "realistic optimists". They do not fake happiness and they don't pretend that negative aspects don't exist but they choose to focus on the positive. They filter out unnecessary negative information. Focusing on less negative aspects helps reduce anxiety and increase well-being. For example, on a freezing cold day, a Dane may say something like "glad I'm not on holiday" rather than complaining about the weather. The authors encourage us to use reframing with our children to separate problems from the person, and to refrain from labelling children based on any particular challenges. It is also helpful when discussing our children's perceptions of people or events to help them focus on the positive.

E: Empathy

Empathy connects us to other people and it is key for getting along in the world. Danes formally teach children in school how to recognize different emotions and they deliberately mix children of different ages and abilities together for their mutual benefit. Some tips provided by the authors for helping children develop empathy: notice and identify emotions, read a lot, be open.

N: No Ultimatums

Danes parent in a very democratic way. They establish rules and guidelines that children are expected to follow and allow for discussion about their expectations. They see children as intrinsically good and react in accordance with that belief. They take the position that they need to be respectful of their children in order to be respected by their children (note: not feared). As such, there is more emphasis placed on how to avoid problems than how to punish. Giving an ultimatum is the ultimate way to set up a power struggle and paint yourself into a corner; once uttered, an ultimatum must be followed through on or the parent risks losing credibility and this is what the Danes believe leads to unnecessary spanking and other physicality. The authors state that not one study in over two decades' worth of research has found any positive outcome of spanking. Instead, spanking has been associated with the following in children: depression, low self-esteem, lying, anxiety, and drug and alcohol use. In the face of challenges from our children, the authors suggest that we: breathe, remain calm, use humour, and offer a way out -  calm begets calm.

T: Togetherness and "Hygge"

Pronounced "hooga", hygge means "to cozy around together" - what a great concept! It involves lighting candles, playing games, eating nice meals, having cake and tea, having fun and generally enjoying each other's company. Danes make it a priority to work together in team effort to create the environment of togetherness and to make this experience a priority in life. This is one of the ways that Danes stay connected to friends and family and is considered by many to be the true purpose of life. The benefit of the group is seen as a higher priority than any individual preference and this yields a spirit of teamwork and cooperation in many aspects of life. 

The above concepts are the keys to Danish parenting which have yielded the happiest people on earth for several generations. Some of the ideas might seem like common sense while others might feel surprising. I encourage you to experiment with some of these concepts and see which ones can be implemented in your family life. You might see some astonishing changes over time in how your children relate to you and to their world!

Wishing you much cozy time with your family!