In today’s world, more and more often couples are finding themselves having to live together after their breakup or divorce due to financial or legal complications. This can be an absolute emotional nightmare!! Especially if you are still in love with your ex.

How can you handle the awkward situations that are sure to arise while trying to live as roommates instead of as a couple? Do you ignore each other? What happens if they start dating and flaunt it in front of you? Can you really do this?

Ending a relationship and carrying on living together is hard! It can be hard enough to move to the next level as it is. However, if you find this necessary, you can start the process by beginning to operate as separate units. 

At first, you may try to carry on like nothing had happened. Cooking dinner as before or texting to see when they are going to be home. But by doing this, you are putting out confusing messages – why act like you are still together when you just told them that’s what you don’t want? This is actually stopping the healing process from getting underway.

You don’t have the same rights as you did when you were together.

You don’t need to know where they are; in fact, it’s best if you don’t.

You don’t get to talk to them the same way. They don’t have to fix you a drink, pick up your stuff, or even care what you are thinking. And you need to respect that.

As hard as it can be, you need to try to set your agreement up as a typical roommate situation. You need to think of this relationship now as if you were renting a room out to a stranger.

Here are some things you can do to make it easier on both of you:

• Set clear boundaries for finances and behavior. Who will be responsible for what household expenses? Who will be responsible for what household chores?

• Don’t force small talk just because you are in the same room together.

• Don’t cook together. It creates an atmosphere of false intimacy and expectations. Make separate spaces in the fridge and cupboards for groceries. 

• Don’t drink together – this just leads to fights or makeup sex, neither of which is a good idea. It is always going to end badly.

• Sleep in different rooms! Make sure you give each other space by spending more time in your room or a spare room.

• Discuss how you will deal with having friends over.  What times or days?

• Oh yeah – on dating others - this should go without saying…but don’t bring them home! This can be devastating to the person that is having more difficulty moving on, not to mention awkward for your date. Sure, it’s considerate to let them know that you are dating, but don’t go into detail. And don’t ask questions you really don’t want the answer to! If you are being picked up for a date, meet your date a few houses up the street. Don’t have them show up at the door.

• Spend more time with friends and family.  Stay overnight with them as much as possible to help relieve the stress of seeing your ex every day. Spend more time outdoors doing things you enjoy. Learn to do for you.

•  Respect each other’s privacy. Treat the bathroom as if you are living with a stranger, make sure you lock the door so as not to accidentally create an awkward moment.

• Set a move out date as soon as possible.

It’s ok to remain friends, but it will be hard! Remember that you are different people now on different paths – separate paths. If you want to remain friends, you will need to forge a brand new type of relationship. But it is doable. After all, you do have a history and what friend knows you better?

You want me to try mindfulness --- NOW?

Separating is like filing by a smörgåsbord in which you were never interested, full of foods that seem all to disagree with you, with apparently no end in sight, and you can't just take on a little salad and say “I'm fine thanks. I had a big lunch earlier.”  No one really plans on divorce. I use the terms divorce and separation interchangeably because people doing either are really at the same all-you'd-never-want-to-eat buffet. So, why on earth would someone want to pile yet another obligation on an already overflowing plate? The answer is choice.

Many seem to find themselves divorcing, as though separation really has found them. They just happened upon it unfortunately. However, this is far from the whole story. Everything in a person's life, separating or not, has led them to this particular point in time with all of its blessings and curses. Even those who find themselves blind-sided by an unworthy adversary they had once considered their best friend, if truly aware, can think of choices they made which led them to this eventuality.

What's a gal or guy to do about it? Improve your vision, improve your choices. Hindsight is 20/20. What if you could have seen, or let yourself see then what you can see now clearly? What if you could do something now to see more clearly now so that you can make better decisions for now and the future? Right now you are making momentous decisions that will impact your life and the lives of your family long into the future. You want your hindsight of the future to match your current clear vision, to see 20/20 right now.

Most people would choose, if they could, to make these important decisions using their highest intelligence, their pre-frontal cortex part of their brain where the higher-level reasoning happens. Unfortunately, separating people are triggered into fight,flight or freeze mode again and again by the conflict and apparent chaos of their rapidly changing lives. The part of one's brain that operates in this mode is the limbic system. That's the part of your brain that will get you the heck out of Dodge when there's a cougar in front of you, when there's a physical emergency. When the limbic system is activated, the pre-frontal cortex becomes much less active. It gets out of the way of your animal instincts to save you. That means no higher level thinking when you are triggered. It is a double whammy for anyone divorcing. These seem like unfair odds. If only there was something you could do to improve those odds...

To be mindful is to practice being as aware as possible in the present moment.

Through this practice we cultivate our abilities to appreciate all that is happening in and around ourselves now rather than being embroiled in worries about the future or regrets about the past. Some would say we spend the majority of our time away from the present moment, zoned out. The practice of mindfulness is an invitation to zone in. Mindfully we can see that our thoughts are not ourselves. We have thoughts. We can cling to them or watch them arise and then pass by. Through practice we learn to enjoy the beautiful moments mindfully as they too arise and then pass by. Practicing mindfulness can help a person to see one's self exactly as one is, good and flawed, positive and negative, effective and ineffective. This self-knowledge can only enhance the effectiveness of one's decision-making.

Ready to give mindfulness a shot?

HINT: You really do not have anything to lose. It is non-invasive, you do it yourself so you can stop when you like, it has been around for thousands of years so it has been well bench-tested, and now science even backs up its benefits.  (Ask Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn about his Mindfulness Based Stress-Reduction Program “MBSR”: http://www.umassmed.edu/cfm/about-us/people/2-meet-our-faculty/kabat-zinn-profile/ ).

Alright, it could be good for me. I'm still skeptical, but I'll do anything if you'll just stop using the world mindfulness. What do I do other than crossing my legs and saying Ommmmmm?

 1.    Find a way in, and get started.

Here are a few ideas for where to begin:

• apps: there are many. Some are free. The people at Insight Timer have done a nice job of making it free and easy.

• A local group

• a friend who has been irritatingly slipping the word “mindfulness” into every conversation hoping you'll ask him about it

• your local yoga centre

• a local counselor who practices mindfulness or who teaches MBSR classes

• an online community

• a book (hard copy or audio). Check on-line, at your library or in the self-help or Buddhism section of your bookstore. (While the concept of mindfulness was first introduced in eastern philosophies, it need not be secular or even spiritual for you. It is all based on your own awareness and needs.)

• Try this exercise adapted from the teachings of Henry Yampolsky, founder of the Living Peace Institute: "I am here now." Find a spot where you can sit uninterrupted for a few minutes. Assume a comfortable, dignified posture. Sit on a chair, the floor or even in the driver's seat of your parked car. Set a timer for 3 minutes. Begin by noticing your breath. Follow your breathing for a few inhalations and exhalations without trying to change it. Then, on the next in breath, note “I”. On the next out breath, note “am”. On the next in breath, note “here”. On the next out breath, note “now”. Repeat until the timer sounds. When you notice you are distracted, bring your attention back to continue the exercise and congratulate yourself that you noticed mindfully when your mind had wandered. This noticing is the essence of mindful awareness.

2.    Practice.

Choose to try one of the above methods and dedicate yourself to giving it an honest go, say 6 weeks. See if it makes a positive difference for you or those around you. If one method is not working for you, drop it and try another. Do keep at it for at least 6 weeks. Even when mindfulness practices such as meditation feel like they're not working, like you are are too distracted to be receiving benefit, they are. Each drop in the bucket adds up eventually to a full bucket.

3.    Get support when you need it.

If in practicing your mindful awareness you come across something particularly upsetting, don't go it alone. Find a counselor you like or a support person you trust to support you.

4.    Repeat.

Even if you are only beginning with a minute or 2 of mindfulness practice a day, you will soon see changes in how you see things and in your awareness at other times when you are not doing your daily practice.

Bonus

You do not ever have to cross your legs or say anything strange to practice mindfulness. You can do it sitting, laying down, or even walking. Be comfy. This is about you learning about you and what works best and doesn't for you.

What can I expect?

The more you practice mindfulness, the more aware you will become. The more aware you become, the more you will recognize which of your thoughts and emotions are really running the show. You will see more and more of the big picture that is your life. You'll be able to make choices that are more likely to bring you more peace, to control the one thing you have any control over – you.

You may also find a community you didn't even know was there for you. Mindful people tend to be like those people with dogs who find other people with dogs and then have a good old time chatting about dogs. You might just find yourself enjoying your life at a time when you did not think that was even possible.

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Aurora Johannsen is a mediator, family lawyer and avid meditator in Kelowna, BC. She enjoys helping people transform through conflict and make use of its potent opportunity for growth. 

I had a counselling client called Sally* (name changed to protect privacy) who found herself in the middle of a separation that had been coming for a while.  Sally, however, hadn’t really prepared for being separated – no one ever really does.  Once she had moved out of the family home that she had shared with her now estranged husband, she found herself adrift, floating, not 100% sure what she wanted or even how to figure out the best way to know what to do next.

I see this scenario quite often in my work with clients.  When individuals are in a marriage they generally commit their whole self (emotionally, mentally, physically, resource-wise) to the marriage and to the family.  When they find themselves in an irreparable breakdown of the marriage they often feel a bit lost and stuck; not really knowing where to turn, who to turn to, what advice to listen to or how plan for the next stage of life.  If you find yourself in this situation, I’m here to give you six doable steps on how to get unstuck and how to move on to living your best life.

Both men and women can feel stuck when it comes to a separation or divorce.  When we find ourselves at the end of a marriage and faced with the prospect of what comes next, it can feel daunting and debilitating.  We sometimes feel a sense of relief, as some of the pressures (and unhappiness) have reduced but often we just feel plain stuck, unsure of what is the next right move for ourselves and our future.

Firstly, let me tell you if you have found yourself in this situation, feeling stuck, you are not alone.  Indeed, you are very normal.  This is a very normal, human emotion that crops up when something that has been a major part of our lives is no more.  We often have a hard time extracting ourselves from our role of wife or husband and from being defined as part of a family unit that no longer exists as it once did.  Don’t get me wrong, the family unit still exists, just in a different structure which often-times finds us without our support crew that we had previously relied upon – our partner.

Right! So, what do you do if you find yourself stuck and unsure of your next move? Check out the following suggestions for getting unstuck.

1.          Give yourself time and space

This may sound like trite advice and too simple. But in the first instance you want to give yourself time and space.  This is not a time to charge head-on to your next decision, your next stage, your next major life event.  This is a time to treasure yourself, honour your soul, give yourself massive amounts of self-care and allow yourself to just be.  There are so many emotions that fly around when you are separating or divorcing.  There are so many things to be done.  Yes, of course, do as many of those things as you need to do to get by, but then, just be.  What does this look like?  It includes having quiet “me” time as much as possible.  I recognize this can be hard, especially if you have kids, but it’s in this quiet space that you allow yourself to breathe and to figure out who you really want to be now.  This quiet space allows you to begin to redefine what your life can be like.  It allows you time to review your situation, your past experiences in your marriage and to begin to determine how you want to show up in the world again.

2.             Start doings things for YOU

Once you have allowed yourself time and space, the next step is to start doing things for YOU.  When we are in a marriage, especially if that marriage has been breaking down over some time as is often the case, we may lose our identity.  We stop doing the things we used to love.  Often, we have become so unhappy doing what we feel is right or what we feel will make the other person happy, that we have forgotten to nurture our own interests. Getting out there and doing stuff that you enjoy really will put a smile on your face and make your heart sing.  This is part of your journey of healing. Start doing things just for you.  Lots of them, over and over again. This will start to bring the magic and purpose back into your life.

3.                It’s time to start planning

Once you have started to give yourself time and space and started to do things you once loved it’s time to start planning.  In my own experience, I found this to be the hardest part when I was going through my own separation and waiting for my divorce.  Sometimes even just the waiting for the divorce can make you feel stuck and like you can’t move on.  I’m here to tell you that you can.  It’s in the planning for your next stage of life that you start to take baby steps towards moving on and feeling like you can live again.  Please note, this does take time.  Everyone is on their own unique journey when it comes to the breakdown of a relationship and parting of ways with a partner.  It’s best to give yourself permission to experience this just exactly as you need to and in whatever time it takes.

How do you go about planning what’s next?  Again, set yourself some quiet time.  Take a break from your day-to-day existence.  Maybe have someone look after the kids for you.  You may choose to do this at home or maybe take yourself to a nice place – somewhere outdoors in nature that speaks to you or a warm, inviting café etc.  Bring along a notebook and pen.  Get comfortable.  Now close your eyes for a few moments, take some big deep breaths in and out, visualize your heart and all that it holds, connect to your inner self (your inner self that knows the real you!).  Just sit there for a moment.  Now open your eyes, write this question at the top of the page: “What do I want to do next?”  Pick up the pen and just start writing.  Do not censor yourself, don’t stop to consider if what you are writing is correct or if you can actually do it.  Just write.  Write everything that comes to mind.  Even those ideas that seem outrageous or that you have always wanted to do but been fearful of.  Include those ideas that you feel would probably take a million bucks to do and that just seem impossible.  Write them all down.  Dream the biggest dream for your life and what you want next.  This may take a while.  Allow yourself enough time to get it all out.  Then once you are done, pack your writing away.  Leave it for a few days.  Allow those ideas to germinate and to just exist.  When you are ready, set aside some more time to review what you wrote.

4.                Dream big!!!

Now remember, the writing that I’ve just asked you to do is about dreaming big.  Some of those ideas will be such great, unique and inspiring ideas that you are meant to do and achieve sometime in your lifetime.  However, they may be ideas that are longer term and not going to be reached tomorrow.  Some of your ideas may be as simple as finding a good place to live, managing your finances better during this transition stage or connecting with old friends again.  Take three things that really speak to you for the short term and rewrite those on a card or small piece of paper.  Place the card or piece of paper next to your bed, on the fridge or stick it up on the mirror in your bathroom where you get ready each day.  I want you to look at those top three things every day.  Read them as many times as you can.  Each time you do so, feel what it would be like to be successful at those three things and what it would feel like to be doing or having those three things.

5.             Breakdown your top three into smaller steps

When you have some more time, take your top three things you want to do and write each one down on a separate piece of paper.  Underneath each idea write down all the steps involved in what you need to do to make these things a reality.  For example, if you chose find a good place to live, your steps under this might include: researching different areas to live, will you rent or purchase a home, will you live with anyone else or alone (with the kids)?  It may include reviewing your income and deciding what amount of money you can spend on housing during this transition phase.  It could include reviewing available properties online and starting to make a short list of the ones you’d like to see.  You may consider speaking to an expert who can help with your property search such as a real estate agent or property manager. It may include speaking to a finance officer to see what your financial situation is.  It may even include some tough choices on what you need to sacrifice in the short term for the long-term gain of finding a good place to live.  Please don’t be daunted by any of these steps.  Remember this is all about the planning phase.  You don’t need to be making any decisions at this point… yet!

6.             Decide on a way forward – what is your next right move?

Now you know the smaller steps involved in achieving your top three things you want to do next.  Next decide on what your way forward is.  You may choose to speak to a close friend or family member to review your options.  It’s always good to get support, keeping in mind that this is YOUR new life, not theirs.  Take their good advice and leave the rest.  This actually applies for the whole time you are in your separation/divorce period.  There will be well-meaning people out there who want to chime in with every opinion under the sun.  If you are strong enough, and quite frankly if you have the time, by all means listen but only ever take on what feels right for you and leave the rest behind!!

Congratulations! You’re now unstuck.

You are doing productive activities towards living your best life.  Keep repeating these processes until you feel like you’re in the groove and moving towards the dream life you deserve.  It may be hard to see while going through a separation or divorce, but you have the ability to make your life anything that you want it to be.  Trust yourself, you’ll do great, I know!

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Heidi Anderson is a Coach and Counsellor who supports her clients in their journeys to living a full life. Her specialty is helping people to identify and overcome their roadblocks.

Divorce. Divorce sucks. Divorce with kids sucks even more. Let’s face it, if you divorce your spouse and you don’t have any DNA evidence of your union, you will likely walk away and never see that person again—heck you may not even tell any new prospects you were ever married before! But, when little humans are involved, no such thing is possible. Not only do you have to see each other again, but you also have to communicate with each other and, hopefully, co-parent for many years.

I could go into a long diatribe about the importance of choosing your life partner and spouse wisely, or about carefully planning procreation decisions, or even warn you against marrying young, but alas, for most of us it is a done deal and we can’t un-ring the bell—nor would we if given the choice. So, in the face of a broken union and heart, with little eyes looking into yours, little hands grasping the hands of the two people who make up their world, and little hearts struggling to understand, how can we move forward?

I was in this exact place 12 years ago. I met my future ex-husband when I was 17, married at 21, became a mom at 23, and divorced at 24. It was a whirlwind marriage and divorce, and it ended as abruptly as it started. I was lost, sad, angry, lonely, confused, very young, and completely ill-equipped to handle all the changes that were to come. Don’t get me wrong; I was 100% sure my marriage needed to end, I had zero doubts about exiting the relationship but taking my leave from my marriage was not equivalent to moving on from my ex-husband. Nope, we had a baby—a newborn baby to be exact—and it was time to figure out how we would structure a life as a family but not under one roof.

The first few years were rough—and that is an understatement.  We fought, competed, went to court, insulted, tracked every text and email as evidence of wrongdoing, documented every scratch, bruise, and bump, went back to court, all in a continuous cycle. We were filled with hate and resentment and made sure we were each fully aware of it. But then it hit us one day as we walked to our cars after a long day in court, that we weren’t married anymore but were still behaving as if we were . . . But without ANY of the benefits. Wait! We are divorced! We solved our problems by separating and now we can let go of what was, what didn’t happen, what did happen that shouldn’t have, what could have been, what was said, what wasn’t said. It didn’t matter anymore! We had moved on and left it all in the past. All we had left to connect us was a beautiful little boy who we both loved more than life itself. Nothing more.

That afternoon everything changed. We amicably resolved our issues and custody schedule outside of court. We agreed to love our son and treat each other with respect. We no longer rehashed the mistakes and woes of our marriage. When we looked at each other, we chose to see our son instead of our failed union. And I emphasize choice because that’s what it was, a choice: a choice to live and behave differently for the sake of our son’s future and well-being.

I am not naïve or insensitive to the fact that this is all easier said than done. Some marriages end in unresolved heartbreak but, may I suggest, why allow the sadness, anger, and frustration of a bad marriage to continue when you are no longer in it? Those emotions, whether they are spoken or not, will and do affect your children. They know how you feel and either learn to feel the way you do about the other parent, defend the other parent—which is hurtful and even more infuriating to you—or, more damaging, you leave a mark on a little soul who can’t help but love both his or her parents.

Once my ex-husband and I made different choices, something amazing happened: our son blossomed. He became happier and more secure than he had ever been. We encouraged him to love and enjoy his time regardless of where he was. We signed off on the ownership of being the favorite and most liked parent. And, guess what? I was happier! I started finding solid ground again. I started loving my life again. And, most surprising, I gained a friend: my ex-husband. Yes, you read that right! He became a friend. I re-discovered the things I liked about him when I met him. He was not the perfect husband for me but he was a friend and a good person. I was in a place where I had the clarity to see that.

For the last ten years, my ex-husband has hung my Christmas lights, fixed my car, and helped install new appliances. We have swapped weekends and holidays, shared holiday meals, and hosted joint birthday parties. And my son is the beneficiary of this redefined family. He has the freedom to love each of us, to enjoy his time at both houses, and to hold zero responsibility for our failed marriage or our feelings. He can be a kid with a mom and dad who love him and respect each other.

Getting to this place is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing I have had to do. But the choice I had to make was to prioritize my son’s happiness over the residual feelings from a failed and heartbreaking marriage. I had to give my son a chance. A chance to go into the world without having to shoulder my emotions, feelings, and resentment. His little heart can’t and shouldn’t be burdened by his parents’ adult decisions and mistakes. If you find yourself wanting to wring your ex’s neck: stop and choose your child. Choose their happiness.

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Liz Thompson is a corporately trained, internationally educated, successful entrepreneur while enduring life’s most difficult moments. She consciously exited corporate America to help raise her blended family and start her business to help others bring their stories to life. You can find Liz at http://www.housestyleediting.com/

Many life changes are brought about by something that feels like failure in the moment. The end of one phase can be incredibly traumatic and terrifying. And yet, these periods of transition open us up to infinite possibility.

Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better: Wise Advice for Leaning into the Unknown

By Pema Chödrön

Pema Chodron's book Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better: Wise Advise for Leaning into the Unknown gives us a positive lens through which to see our failures, big and small.

Seth Godin says in his Foreword that Pema Chodron helps us see that failure is part of success and that both are essential elements in forward motion. We often think that our purpose in life is "to get all the frogs in a bowl and keep them there [but] as soon as we get a few frogs in the bowl, they jump out, and we have to start all over again." He says that life is an "infinite game" and that although we yearn to find stability, "to go forward is to give up on getting all the frogs in the bowl".

Pema Chodron advises that we get good at "welcoming the unwelcome". Failure feels very raw and there are two common ways of dealing with the rawness: 1) We can blame the failure on somebody else or some external factor. We move away from the rawness by placing blame elsewhere. 2) We feel bad about ourselves and label ourselves "a failure". Clearly, neither of these responses is healthy or productive.

She encourages the reader to get curious about the failure, to dig deep into what happened and what is truly going on for you. James Joyce called mistakes "the portals of discovery" and she expands on this notion to say that "mistakes are the portal to creativity, to learning something new, to having a fresh look on things".

She says that if we can accept and harness the feelings of vulnerability and rawness, turn away from the instinct to numb those feelings, that from that space can come out "best human qualities of bravery, kindness, the ability the really care about each other, the ability to reach out to each other." The act of acceptance is painful and uncomfortable but she advises us to "lean in to the sharp points" and "let the regret pierce you to the heart, and then you can lay it aside so that you don't have to carry it with you for the rest of your life..."

Failing better means using failure as a period of personal discovery and development. It means that "failure becomes a rich and fertile ground instead of just another slap in the face."

The old cliche of "when one door closes, another one opens" invites a passive participation in the world, a perspective of things happening to you. I like Pema Chodron's view of using those hard, door-closing moments for learning, growing and actively re-directing your life to one of those infinite possibilities that await your engagement.

Living Forward provides a great framework for clarifying and implementing your values, priorities and goals to create your ideal life.

The book starts with the following quote: "The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you're not going to stay where you are." -J.P. Morgan

This is a simple but fundamental point. The book then sets out a system for heightening your sense of what's truly possible and developing a plan for how to get to that better destination of living life with purpose and intention.

I love the book's message that we are in control of our lives and we have more control than many of us actively acknowledge.

Hyatt and Harkavy state that drifting through life happens when people are unaware, distracted, overwhelmed, or deceived by their own beliefs. To further complicate matters, when we are passively drifting we lose perspective, lose opportunities, and expend a lot of time and money without making progress towards any goals.

We need to be fully aware of our own unique goals for each part of our lives: intellectual, spiritual, relational, physical, vocational, and avocational. As the authors state: "there is no point keeping up with the Joneses if they're going someplace you don't want to go."

Once you are clear about your goals and your priorities, you will be able to properly assess each opportunity that arises to determine how and whether it fits into your life plan.

The authors say creating a life plan is about "breaking free of your limiting beliefs, tapping into your deepest desires, and standing in the realm of possibility" - how great is that? I think that everyone could benefit from a periodic overview of how their life is lining up with their goals, expectations, values, hopes and priorities. I appreciate the reminder that we don't need to settle for what is and can take steps towards whatever better future we can imagine for ourselves.

The key takeaway is summed up by a quote from Andy Warhol: "they always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

This book is a relatively quick and inspiring read, and provides solid suggestions for taking action.

What's your life plan?

Living Forward ITPE: A Proven Plan to Stop Drifting andGet the Life You Want

By Michael Hyatt, Daniel Harkavy

We have a lot of assumptions and norms embedded in our culture (as do all cultures) that warrant examination when they are having a direct impact on our lives. It can sometimes be difficult to recognize that we are making assumptions but it can be really valuable to take a step back and try to look at challenges with fresh eyes.

In Zen Buddhism, there is a concept called "shoshin", meaning "beginner's mind" which refers to the idea of approaching a subject with an open mind and without preconceptions. Stripping away assumptions about requirements, limitations, and necessary consequences can open up some truly surprising solutions.

In the realm of divorce, we have built up these stereotypes of the dreaded ex and the divorce battle which are now strongly embedded in North American popular culture. When people are experiencing the trauma of the breakdown of their primary relationship, their energy is often being sapped by various extremely strong emotions, including fear, anger, grief, and anxiety. In this vulnerable state, people seem particularly prone to embrace these harmful stories that we have developed about what divorce looks like. Basically, in a weakened state, it is really difficult to 1) recognize assumptions, and 2) counteract them.

We need to change the divorce story. A huge percentage of people experience a separation/divorce at least once in their lifetime, and many experience two or three. People deserve to have access to healthy problem-solving that will allow them to transition through family challenges in a way that doesn't destroy family relationships, crush children, and clean out the savings. People should assume that this is possible!

In an effort to apply a fresh lens to the topic of divorce, I have recently released a book titled Pathways to Amicable Divorce: Directions for the Beginning of Separation. It is available for free download as an effort to increase access to justice: www.modernseparations.com/pathways

The beginner's mind is so helpful for looking at challenges of all sorts. Don't like your commute? Feeling limited by your job? Feel your relationship could be better? Consider what the ideal situation would look like, without applying judgment as to why it wouldn't work or couldn't happen. Once you know in a deep way the kind of experience you'd like to have, you'll be in a position to start brainstorming about how to get there. Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki writes in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind that "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's there are few."

Change is hard. There's no two ways about it. Whether you are moving, changing jobs, re-configuring your family, trying to eat healthier, or any number of possible changes that can happen in one's life, change is highly stressful for most people.

Part of that stress arises from the unknown. There are likely going to be aspects to the change that were unexpected no matter how much planning has been done. For example, in the case of a move, even if you choose a safe neighbourhood, with a great school, and lots of amenities within walking distance, you might end up with a cranky neighbour. Since we don't know yet what we don't know, we often have vague worries and general anxiety about upcoming changes.

Another part of the stress is due to the inherent uncertainty of change - you just don't know ahead of time how the known change is going to pan out. Will you like it? Will you be able to do it? Will you be accepted? Will you thrive? Will the experience turn out in practice as good as it sounded in theory?

Change requires us to make adjustments to often well-developed habits. We have to create new routines to implement in place of the old ones in order to adopt the change and for the new situation to feel like the new normal. This is why smokers substitute gum when they are trying to quit - so they have a go-to replacement. If there are too many decisions to be made, this adds stress to our day but developing new routines and habits streamlines that decision-making and sets us up for success. Essentially, we need a new auto-pilot for many of the aspects of our new situation. If you are changing jobs, you'll need to develop new routines for how you get to work, how you schedule your workday, what you do at lunchtime, etc. Too many small decisions are taxing, which is why Steve Jobs famously wore a black turtleneck shirt everyday - to free up his brain capacity for more important issues. Once these initial routines are implemented, the new situation becomes much more manageable.

Lastly, change usually involves a loss of something. Even if the change is driven by you and eagerly anticipated, there will likely be some feeling of mourning regarding the loss or perhaps the loss of the potential/ the idea of what could have been. This can be a surprising and confusing feeling but it is normal.

Understanding the source of the stress is a necessary first step to be able to get a handle on it. Thereafter, some people thrive on detailed planning; some on meditation and faith; some on professional advice and guidance. I personally read every book and listen to every podcast that I can find on the subject that happens to be consuming my thoughts. It's crucial to find the balance that meets your needs in the face of our constantly changing world so that you can embrace change as it inevitably arises.