As you prepare for your separation, you will have inevitably turned to the internet for information about parenting matters after separation, child support, spousal support, and asset, debt, and pension division. If you’ve done that, you’re likely feeling a bit overwhelmed by the vast amount information available.

What does it all mean? How do you use this information for your benefit?

Many families today are choosing to separate and not use lawyers to assist them through the process. People do not want to add the negativity of having lawyers involved in what is already a very difficult and emotional process. They also don’t want to incur the cost for what they see as a relatively straightforward matter. Family law mediation is often a cost-effective method of formalizing the details of separation but sometimes one person prefers not to participate in mediation.

Unfortunately, not seeking legal assistance can leave you and the other party uniformed about potential advantageous ways to resolve your matter and advocate for yourself in a negotiation.

Is there a way to get legal assistance with separation but not include the lawyers or a family law mediator?

In short, yes. It goes by a few different names – legal coaching, unbundled legal services, summary advice, etc. I prefer the term “legal coaching”.

Legal coaching is a legal service provided by lawyers, but the lawyers do not get involved directly with resolving the matter. In essence the lawyer works as a consultant for their client, but does not step out in front and speak for their client.

A legal coach will tell you how all that legal information you’ve found applies to you and your case. They can advise you about what you should do and how you should do it. They can advise you on strategy, how to protect yourself, and how to work towards achieving your goals.

When you go to a legal coach, you’re accessing their expertise in the law, but also their experience with how various strategies, approaches, and techniques have worked in hundreds of cases before yours and how that has played out. In short – it’s a short cut to a more effective negotiation.

This is not information you can get on the internet or from Chat GPT. It’s knowledge of how people work, how families work, knowledge of different personalities – what works and what doesn’t- combined with knowledge of what is fair, the law and the legal system.

If you are newly separated, seeking advice from a legal coach is a good place to start informing yourself about the challenges you may be facing and to start putting together a plan about how to overcome them. 

There are of course situations where a legal coach may not be sufficient support, if traditional full representation is available.

Ideally, if it is within the financial means of the parties, then in situations where:

·         there is physical intimate partner violence,

·         the parties cannot speak directly to each other,

·         one party has a significant capacity issue,

·         there is limited time to secure a resolution, or

·         there is a significant power imbalance in the relationship,

it would be better to access full traditional legal representation.

Laurel Dietz is a family lawyer and the owner of Alinea Legal Coaching and has been providing legal coaching services since 2016.

In today’s world, more and more often couples are finding themselves having to live together after their breakup or divorce due to financial or legal complications. This can be an absolute emotional nightmare!! Especially if you are still in love with your ex.

How can you handle the awkward situations that are sure to arise while trying to live as roommates instead of as a couple? Do you ignore each other? What happens if they start dating and flaunt it in front of you? Can you really do this?

Ending a relationship and carrying on living together is hard! It can be hard enough to move to the next level as it is. However, if you find this necessary, you can start the process by beginning to operate as separate units. 

At first, you may try to carry on like nothing had happened. Cooking dinner as before or texting to see when they are going to be home. But by doing this, you are putting out confusing messages – why act like you are still together when you just told them that’s what you don’t want? This is actually stopping the healing process from getting underway.

You don’t have the same rights as you did when you were together.

You don’t need to know where they are; in fact, it’s best if you don’t.

You don’t get to talk to them the same way. They don’t have to fix you a drink, pick up your stuff, or even care what you are thinking. And you need to respect that.

As hard as it can be, you need to try to set your agreement up as a typical roommate situation. You need to think of this relationship now as if you were renting a room out to a stranger.

Here are some things you can do to make it easier on both of you:

• Set clear boundaries for finances and behavior. Who will be responsible for what household expenses? Who will be responsible for what household chores?

• Don’t force small talk just because you are in the same room together.

• Don’t cook together. It creates an atmosphere of false intimacy and expectations. Make separate spaces in the fridge and cupboards for groceries. 

• Don’t drink together – this just leads to fights or makeup sex, neither of which is a good idea. It is always going to end badly.

• Sleep in different rooms! Make sure you give each other space by spending more time in your room or a spare room.

• Discuss how you will deal with having friends over.  What times or days?

• Oh yeah – on dating others - this should go without saying…but don’t bring them home! This can be devastating to the person that is having more difficulty moving on, not to mention awkward for your date. Sure, it’s considerate to let them know that you are dating, but don’t go into detail. And don’t ask questions you really don’t want the answer to! If you are being picked up for a date, meet your date a few houses up the street. Don’t have them show up at the door.

• Spend more time with friends and family.  Stay overnight with them as much as possible to help relieve the stress of seeing your ex every day. Spend more time outdoors doing things you enjoy. Learn to do for you.

•  Respect each other’s privacy. Treat the bathroom as if you are living with a stranger, make sure you lock the door so as not to accidentally create an awkward moment.

• Set a move out date as soon as possible.

It’s ok to remain friends, but it will be hard! Remember that you are different people now on different paths – separate paths. If you want to remain friends, you will need to forge a brand new type of relationship. But it is doable. After all, you do have a history and what friend knows you better?

You want me to try mindfulness --- NOW?

Separating is like filing by a smörgåsbord in which you were never interested, full of foods that seem all to disagree with you, with apparently no end in sight, and you can't just take on a little salad and say “I'm fine thanks. I had a big lunch earlier.”  No one really plans on divorce. I use the terms divorce and separation interchangeably because people doing either are really at the same all-you'd-never-want-to-eat buffet. So, why on earth would someone want to pile yet another obligation on an already overflowing plate? The answer is choice.

Many seem to find themselves divorcing, as though separation really has found them. They just happened upon it unfortunately. However, this is far from the whole story. Everything in a person's life, separating or not, has led them to this particular point in time with all of its blessings and curses. Even those who find themselves blind-sided by an unworthy adversary they had once considered their best friend, if truly aware, can think of choices they made which led them to this eventuality.

What's a gal or guy to do about it? Improve your vision, improve your choices. Hindsight is 20/20. What if you could have seen, or let yourself see then what you can see now clearly? What if you could do something now to see more clearly now so that you can make better decisions for now and the future? Right now you are making momentous decisions that will impact your life and the lives of your family long into the future. You want your hindsight of the future to match your current clear vision, to see 20/20 right now.

Most people would choose, if they could, to make these important decisions using their highest intelligence, their pre-frontal cortex part of their brain where the higher-level reasoning happens. Unfortunately, separating people are triggered into fight,flight or freeze mode again and again by the conflict and apparent chaos of their rapidly changing lives. The part of one's brain that operates in this mode is the limbic system. That's the part of your brain that will get you the heck out of Dodge when there's a cougar in front of you, when there's a physical emergency. When the limbic system is activated, the pre-frontal cortex becomes much less active. It gets out of the way of your animal instincts to save you. That means no higher level thinking when you are triggered. It is a double whammy for anyone divorcing. These seem like unfair odds. If only there was something you could do to improve those odds...

To be mindful is to practice being as aware as possible in the present moment.

Through this practice we cultivate our abilities to appreciate all that is happening in and around ourselves now rather than being embroiled in worries about the future or regrets about the past. Some would say we spend the majority of our time away from the present moment, zoned out. The practice of mindfulness is an invitation to zone in. Mindfully we can see that our thoughts are not ourselves. We have thoughts. We can cling to them or watch them arise and then pass by. Through practice we learn to enjoy the beautiful moments mindfully as they too arise and then pass by. Practicing mindfulness can help a person to see one's self exactly as one is, good and flawed, positive and negative, effective and ineffective. This self-knowledge can only enhance the effectiveness of one's decision-making.

Ready to give mindfulness a shot?

HINT: You really do not have anything to lose. It is non-invasive, you do it yourself so you can stop when you like, it has been around for thousands of years so it has been well bench-tested, and now science even backs up its benefits.  (Ask Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn about his Mindfulness Based Stress-Reduction Program “MBSR”: http://www.umassmed.edu/cfm/about-us/people/2-meet-our-faculty/kabat-zinn-profile/ ).

Alright, it could be good for me. I'm still skeptical, but I'll do anything if you'll just stop using the world mindfulness. What do I do other than crossing my legs and saying Ommmmmm?

 1.    Find a way in, and get started.

Here are a few ideas for where to begin:

• apps: there are many. Some are free. The people at Insight Timer have done a nice job of making it free and easy.

• A local group

• a friend who has been irritatingly slipping the word “mindfulness” into every conversation hoping you'll ask him about it

• your local yoga centre

• a local counselor who practices mindfulness or who teaches MBSR classes

• an online community

• a book (hard copy or audio). Check on-line, at your library or in the self-help or Buddhism section of your bookstore. (While the concept of mindfulness was first introduced in eastern philosophies, it need not be secular or even spiritual for you. It is all based on your own awareness and needs.)

• Try this exercise adapted from the teachings of Henry Yampolsky, founder of the Living Peace Institute: "I am here now." Find a spot where you can sit uninterrupted for a few minutes. Assume a comfortable, dignified posture. Sit on a chair, the floor or even in the driver's seat of your parked car. Set a timer for 3 minutes. Begin by noticing your breath. Follow your breathing for a few inhalations and exhalations without trying to change it. Then, on the next in breath, note “I”. On the next out breath, note “am”. On the next in breath, note “here”. On the next out breath, note “now”. Repeat until the timer sounds. When you notice you are distracted, bring your attention back to continue the exercise and congratulate yourself that you noticed mindfully when your mind had wandered. This noticing is the essence of mindful awareness.

2.    Practice.

Choose to try one of the above methods and dedicate yourself to giving it an honest go, say 6 weeks. See if it makes a positive difference for you or those around you. If one method is not working for you, drop it and try another. Do keep at it for at least 6 weeks. Even when mindfulness practices such as meditation feel like they're not working, like you are are too distracted to be receiving benefit, they are. Each drop in the bucket adds up eventually to a full bucket.

3.    Get support when you need it.

If in practicing your mindful awareness you come across something particularly upsetting, don't go it alone. Find a counselor you like or a support person you trust to support you.

4.    Repeat.

Even if you are only beginning with a minute or 2 of mindfulness practice a day, you will soon see changes in how you see things and in your awareness at other times when you are not doing your daily practice.

Bonus

You do not ever have to cross your legs or say anything strange to practice mindfulness. You can do it sitting, laying down, or even walking. Be comfy. This is about you learning about you and what works best and doesn't for you.

What can I expect?

The more you practice mindfulness, the more aware you will become. The more aware you become, the more you will recognize which of your thoughts and emotions are really running the show. You will see more and more of the big picture that is your life. You'll be able to make choices that are more likely to bring you more peace, to control the one thing you have any control over – you.

You may also find a community you didn't even know was there for you. Mindful people tend to be like those people with dogs who find other people with dogs and then have a good old time chatting about dogs. You might just find yourself enjoying your life at a time when you did not think that was even possible.

---

Aurora Johannsen is a mediator, family lawyer and avid meditator in Kelowna, BC. She enjoys helping people transform through conflict and make use of its potent opportunity for growth. 

I had a counselling client called Sally* (name changed to protect privacy) who found herself in the middle of a separation that had been coming for a while.  Sally, however, hadn’t really prepared for being separated – no one ever really does.  Once she had moved out of the family home that she had shared with her now estranged husband, she found herself adrift, floating, not 100% sure what she wanted or even how to figure out the best way to know what to do next.

I see this scenario quite often in my work with clients.  When individuals are in a marriage they generally commit their whole self (emotionally, mentally, physically, resource-wise) to the marriage and to the family.  When they find themselves in an irreparable breakdown of the marriage they often feel a bit lost and stuck; not really knowing where to turn, who to turn to, what advice to listen to or how plan for the next stage of life.  If you find yourself in this situation, I’m here to give you six doable steps on how to get unstuck and how to move on to living your best life.

Both men and women can feel stuck when it comes to a separation or divorce.  When we find ourselves at the end of a marriage and faced with the prospect of what comes next, it can feel daunting and debilitating.  We sometimes feel a sense of relief, as some of the pressures (and unhappiness) have reduced but often we just feel plain stuck, unsure of what is the next right move for ourselves and our future.

Firstly, let me tell you if you have found yourself in this situation, feeling stuck, you are not alone.  Indeed, you are very normal.  This is a very normal, human emotion that crops up when something that has been a major part of our lives is no more.  We often have a hard time extracting ourselves from our role of wife or husband and from being defined as part of a family unit that no longer exists as it once did.  Don’t get me wrong, the family unit still exists, just in a different structure which often-times finds us without our support crew that we had previously relied upon – our partner.

Right! So, what do you do if you find yourself stuck and unsure of your next move? Check out the following suggestions for getting unstuck.

1.          Give yourself time and space

This may sound like trite advice and too simple. But in the first instance you want to give yourself time and space.  This is not a time to charge head-on to your next decision, your next stage, your next major life event.  This is a time to treasure yourself, honour your soul, give yourself massive amounts of self-care and allow yourself to just be.  There are so many emotions that fly around when you are separating or divorcing.  There are so many things to be done.  Yes, of course, do as many of those things as you need to do to get by, but then, just be.  What does this look like?  It includes having quiet “me” time as much as possible.  I recognize this can be hard, especially if you have kids, but it’s in this quiet space that you allow yourself to breathe and to figure out who you really want to be now.  This quiet space allows you to begin to redefine what your life can be like.  It allows you time to review your situation, your past experiences in your marriage and to begin to determine how you want to show up in the world again.

2.             Start doings things for YOU

Once you have allowed yourself time and space, the next step is to start doing things for YOU.  When we are in a marriage, especially if that marriage has been breaking down over some time as is often the case, we may lose our identity.  We stop doing the things we used to love.  Often, we have become so unhappy doing what we feel is right or what we feel will make the other person happy, that we have forgotten to nurture our own interests. Getting out there and doing stuff that you enjoy really will put a smile on your face and make your heart sing.  This is part of your journey of healing. Start doing things just for you.  Lots of them, over and over again. This will start to bring the magic and purpose back into your life.

3.                It’s time to start planning

Once you have started to give yourself time and space and started to do things you once loved it’s time to start planning.  In my own experience, I found this to be the hardest part when I was going through my own separation and waiting for my divorce.  Sometimes even just the waiting for the divorce can make you feel stuck and like you can’t move on.  I’m here to tell you that you can.  It’s in the planning for your next stage of life that you start to take baby steps towards moving on and feeling like you can live again.  Please note, this does take time.  Everyone is on their own unique journey when it comes to the breakdown of a relationship and parting of ways with a partner.  It’s best to give yourself permission to experience this just exactly as you need to and in whatever time it takes.

How do you go about planning what’s next?  Again, set yourself some quiet time.  Take a break from your day-to-day existence.  Maybe have someone look after the kids for you.  You may choose to do this at home or maybe take yourself to a nice place – somewhere outdoors in nature that speaks to you or a warm, inviting café etc.  Bring along a notebook and pen.  Get comfortable.  Now close your eyes for a few moments, take some big deep breaths in and out, visualize your heart and all that it holds, connect to your inner self (your inner self that knows the real you!).  Just sit there for a moment.  Now open your eyes, write this question at the top of the page: “What do I want to do next?”  Pick up the pen and just start writing.  Do not censor yourself, don’t stop to consider if what you are writing is correct or if you can actually do it.  Just write.  Write everything that comes to mind.  Even those ideas that seem outrageous or that you have always wanted to do but been fearful of.  Include those ideas that you feel would probably take a million bucks to do and that just seem impossible.  Write them all down.  Dream the biggest dream for your life and what you want next.  This may take a while.  Allow yourself enough time to get it all out.  Then once you are done, pack your writing away.  Leave it for a few days.  Allow those ideas to germinate and to just exist.  When you are ready, set aside some more time to review what you wrote.

4.                Dream big!!!

Now remember, the writing that I’ve just asked you to do is about dreaming big.  Some of those ideas will be such great, unique and inspiring ideas that you are meant to do and achieve sometime in your lifetime.  However, they may be ideas that are longer term and not going to be reached tomorrow.  Some of your ideas may be as simple as finding a good place to live, managing your finances better during this transition stage or connecting with old friends again.  Take three things that really speak to you for the short term and rewrite those on a card or small piece of paper.  Place the card or piece of paper next to your bed, on the fridge or stick it up on the mirror in your bathroom where you get ready each day.  I want you to look at those top three things every day.  Read them as many times as you can.  Each time you do so, feel what it would be like to be successful at those three things and what it would feel like to be doing or having those three things.

5.             Breakdown your top three into smaller steps

When you have some more time, take your top three things you want to do and write each one down on a separate piece of paper.  Underneath each idea write down all the steps involved in what you need to do to make these things a reality.  For example, if you chose find a good place to live, your steps under this might include: researching different areas to live, will you rent or purchase a home, will you live with anyone else or alone (with the kids)?  It may include reviewing your income and deciding what amount of money you can spend on housing during this transition phase.  It could include reviewing available properties online and starting to make a short list of the ones you’d like to see.  You may consider speaking to an expert who can help with your property search such as a real estate agent or property manager. It may include speaking to a finance officer to see what your financial situation is.  It may even include some tough choices on what you need to sacrifice in the short term for the long-term gain of finding a good place to live.  Please don’t be daunted by any of these steps.  Remember this is all about the planning phase.  You don’t need to be making any decisions at this point… yet!

6.             Decide on a way forward – what is your next right move?

Now you know the smaller steps involved in achieving your top three things you want to do next.  Next decide on what your way forward is.  You may choose to speak to a close friend or family member to review your options.  It’s always good to get support, keeping in mind that this is YOUR new life, not theirs.  Take their good advice and leave the rest.  This actually applies for the whole time you are in your separation/divorce period.  There will be well-meaning people out there who want to chime in with every opinion under the sun.  If you are strong enough, and quite frankly if you have the time, by all means listen but only ever take on what feels right for you and leave the rest behind!!

Congratulations! You’re now unstuck.

You are doing productive activities towards living your best life.  Keep repeating these processes until you feel like you’re in the groove and moving towards the dream life you deserve.  It may be hard to see while going through a separation or divorce, but you have the ability to make your life anything that you want it to be.  Trust yourself, you’ll do great, I know!

---

Heidi Anderson is a Coach and Counsellor who supports her clients in their journeys to living a full life. Her specialty is helping people to identify and overcome their roadblocks.

I am pleased to have my article published as a guest post on Our Family Wizard:

Most people have heard horror stories about divorce and would like to avoid such experiences themselves. The adversarial divorce usually involves massive legal expenses, high levels of stress, and prolonged conflict which ends up harming the children. The good news is that there are ways of managing separation that will help your family transition from a one-household family to a two-household family without destroying the functionality of your family relationships and your family savings.

Some of the steps you will need to take to get started on a healthy separation may seem counter-intuitive to you. However, there are specific strategic advantages for each one. Keep in mind that de-escalation of conflict needs to be an ongoing priority.

1. Treat your partner as you would treat a business partner.

Be courteous. Answer emails, text messages and phone calls. Don’t badmouth him or her to friends, family, co-workers, and especially not on social media or to your children. Do what you say you’re going to do. Communicate important information. Provide requested documentation in a timely manner. Do not treat the other person as the enemy. Model desirable conduct. Demonstrate that you can be trusted and that you do not want to participate in a race to the bottom in terms of your behavior. These are basics of any decent relationship but are frequently overlooked or disregarded during separation.

You will have to continue to work together on the resolution of all of the issues arising out of the breakdown of your relationship, and if you have children, you will have to continue to work together and co-exist as parents of shared children for years to come (including attending birthday parties, graduations, weddings, and so forth). It can be helpful to consider how you’d like to see your relationship years down the road – for example, you probably don’t want your children to have to worry about how to plan a wedding with both of you in attendance. Don’t do anything now in the heat of the moment that will create tension and unpleasantness for years to come.

Separation can be an overwhelming time of intense mixed emotions, including sadness, guilt, denial, relief, anger and fear, to name only a few. Although it can be tempting in a moment of disagreement to let your anger flow, it will generally be better in the long-term for your family if you take a deep breath, work hard on maintaining your patience (sorting out the details of separation usually takes longer than people hope and expect), and give both you and your partner time to understand the shifting needs of your family as you move from being a one-household family to a two-household family. Handling your emotions in a constructive and respectful way is an important component of moving ahead on the path towards amicable divorce.

2. Don’t make any significant changes.

If you have been paying for all of the family bills, continue to pay all of the bills until you and your partner have reached an agreement for how expenses will be handled going forward. Neither of you should withdraw or spend significant sums of money without the consent of the other – in most cases, this is not the time to buy a new vehicle or take a trip to Las Vegas! Some people find comfort in making arrangements with their financial institution to require both of their signatures for withdrawals from savings and investment accounts until they have divided their accounts.

If there is no safety concern, do not move out with the children. The children are entitled to a stable environment and shouldn’t be moved around more than necessary. Wait to move until you have worked out a parenting plan. However, safety is the first priority and you should obtain legal advice immediately if you believe that you need assistance with moving yourself and your children to a safe location.

3. Discuss the various options for pathways to amicable divorce.

A little individual reading and research can be helpful before discussing your dispute resolution options. Familiarize yourself with mediation, mediation/ arbitration, and collaborative law, and then discuss the options so that you are on the same page in terms of pros and cons. Discuss which option seems appropriate given the level of complexity of your issues and the state of your ability to communicate with each other at the present time.

You may find that one person has no particular preference while the other person is drawn to a certain process option. It may or may not be difficult initially to agree on a process. Take the path of least resistance and choose a process that you could each “live with” as a test-run. You can then work on choosing the appropriate professional(s). The processes are voluntary so either of you could choose to end the initial process if you feel that it is not working well for you.

4. Choose your Family Mediator and/or Lawyers.

Regardless of which dispute resolution process you choose and even if you don’t hire a lawyer to represent you throughout the process, you should get independent legal advice from a family law lawyer at some point in the process, whether it is at the beginning, partway through negotiations, and/or before signing the draft Separation Agreement.

Ask around for recommendations. Ask your friends, neighbors, co-workers, and family members for feedback regarding specific family law lawyers. You should find out what they liked about certain lawyers and what they didn’t like – this is important because it may be that the other person’s goals were quite different from yours and that the recommendation would be poorly suited to your situation.

Don’t forget that lawyers are not one uniform kind of person, even within a certain area of law – some are peacemakers at heart while others enjoy the thrill of debate and banter; some are diplomatic and some take pride in their reputation for being a bulldog; some are more focused on the big picture of reaching overall resolution while others are focused on advocating for a win on every legal issue. Some might say that these are all strategies that can be employed by any lawyer depending on the situation, rather than being characteristics. Regardless, in my opinion, it is the rare individual who does an excellent job with both styles of dispute resolution. An amicable problem-solver and a tenacious litigator have very different skill sets, experiences, outlooks, and instincts. Most lawyers will have a dominant strength in one or the other style. Lawyers who also do a lot of work as mediators will often have a more resolution-oriented style.

There is no right and wrong in terms of style and each style has merits in certain circumstances. The key is to choose the right style to help you reach your goals in your circumstances. If you and your partner are both basically reasonable people who disagree about some issues, you will probably benefit from a mediator or lawyer who will work towards a resolution with you in a diplomatic and respectful way without involving court processes. In this case, you will do well to research the professionals in your area who are trained in mediation or collaborative law. If you are in a relationship with someone who is a bully, an abuser, and/or has a serious personality disorder, mental health issue or substance use problem that prevents him or her from engaging in rational discussion, you may do better with a family law litigator who takes an aggressive court-based approach.

Lastly, given that we’re human, there’s no getting around that some professionals are more knowledgeable, better organized, more emotionally-intelligent, and/or better communicators than others̶  attributes that don’t necessarily have anything to do with a person’s years of experience or hourly rate. Try to find out about these types of characteristics as well.

Make your choice based on a trusted recommendation and some of your own research.

5. See a Counselor and/or Doctor.

Separation can be devastating for families, whether or not there are children involved. There are many issues that arise with which a lawyer can’t help because they are not legal issues. Our society has become overly focused on the law with respect to the breakdown of a family but the law is not equipped to provide all of the assistance that most families need. Serious emotional issues can arise for the separating couple and for the children, during the deterioration of the relationship and upon separation. These issues will not resolve themselves.

There are many different approaches to counseling so research the options to decide which will work best for you and your family. Many people don’t want to be involved in the stereotype of counseling: flaky discussions reflecting back on their childhood. There are now future-focused, pragmatic, behavior-based methods that can help with specifics, for example, appropriate communication for co-parenting or handling feelings when the other person re-partners.

Unresolved emotional issues very frequently interfere with the resolution of legal issues. It can lead to one or both people causing long delays by refusing to engage in discussion, getting stuck on a particular issue, and/or creating conflict in situations that should objectively be fairly uncomplicated.

In addition, even if you and your partner are doing your best in good faith to move towards an agreement, it may be that you experience a significant amount of stress and anxiety during the process due to the many unknowns in your future. Gathering and exchanging the necessary documentation and negotiating the terms of an agreement can take longer than people hope and expect. Unfortunately, when you are working towards an agreement, you need to move at the pace of the slower person. One person will always be further ahead than the other in the grief cycle relating to the breakdown of the relationship and therefore will have to wait for the other person to become mentally ready to finalize the details of the separation by agreement. The very nature of an agreement is that you need the other person to agree with you, which cannot be forced. If you are the person who is ready to move on and waiting for the other person to come around, you may need to deal with your anxiety with the help of a counselor or medical professional. There’s no remedy in law for anxiety.

If you have children, there is no question that your children have been affected by your separation. They may seem fine. They may be acting out. Either way, allow them to express their emotions and get some professional assistance with the best way to help your children move forward.

6. Wait to start a new relationship.

This suggestion is not based on moral considerations; it is a strategic issue. More often than not, a new boyfriend or girlfriend on the scene is massively disruptive to the negotiation process underway for the Separation Agreement.

Regardless of which person ended the relationship, a new relationship can cause surprisingly intense emotions for the “replaced” partner. This often translates into complications such as some manner of a financial backlash, parenting altercations, and general escalation of disagreements.

Depending on the nature of the new relationship, it can have bearing on whether and how much spousal support may be payable. The new partner may also become a factor in the parenting arrangements for the children (for example, the new partner will be under scrutiny to determine whether his or her presence around the children is in their best interests).

If you can manage to wait to start a new relationship until your Separation Agreement has been finalized, you will avoid one possible hot button issue that commonly derails originally amicable discussions.

7. Start your dispute resolution process sooner rather than later.

I have found that the longer uncertainty continues, the more likely it is that communication will deteriorate and tension will escalate. Change is difficult for most people and particularly so when they are not in full control of the outcome. You can reduce the fear and anxiety that arise for most people during separation by dealing with your issues promptly. Don’t encourage your partner’s imagination to wander into worst-case scenarios by dragging your heels on starting the resolution process. 

Summary

Separation will be challenging but, if you follow most of these 7 tips, you will give yourself the best chance of achieving a healthy and efficient resolution. It will be hard work and it will likely take all of your willpower but your future self will thank you for your effort.

Christina Vinters, J.D., Family Law Mediator, “ex” Divorce Lawyer, and Author of Pathways to Amicable Divorce: Directions for the Beginning of Separation.

My article "Reducing the Trauma of Separation" is out in the new Spring 2016 issue of the Okanagan Health & Wellness Magazine!

It's a quick read to help separating couples frame their goals and choose the best strategies for achieving those goals - in most cases the best strategies will focus on de-escalation of conflict and consensual dispute resolution, including collaborative law and family mediation, also known as divorce mediation.

https://issuu.com/ohwmagazine/docs/ohw_magazine_spr_2016

Living Forward provides a great framework for clarifying and implementing your values, priorities and goals to create your ideal life.

The book starts with the following quote: "The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you're not going to stay where you are." -J.P. Morgan

This is a simple but fundamental point. The book then sets out a system for heightening your sense of what's truly possible and developing a plan for how to get to that better destination of living life with purpose and intention.

I love the book's message that we are in control of our lives and we have more control than many of us actively acknowledge.

Hyatt and Harkavy state that drifting through life happens when people are unaware, distracted, overwhelmed, or deceived by their own beliefs. To further complicate matters, when we are passively drifting we lose perspective, lose opportunities, and expend a lot of time and money without making progress towards any goals.

We need to be fully aware of our own unique goals for each part of our lives: intellectual, spiritual, relational, physical, vocational, and avocational. As the authors state: "there is no point keeping up with the Joneses if they're going someplace you don't want to go."

Once you are clear about your goals and your priorities, you will be able to properly assess each opportunity that arises to determine how and whether it fits into your life plan.

The authors say creating a life plan is about "breaking free of your limiting beliefs, tapping into your deepest desires, and standing in the realm of possibility" - how great is that? I think that everyone could benefit from a periodic overview of how their life is lining up with their goals, expectations, values, hopes and priorities. I appreciate the reminder that we don't need to settle for what is and can take steps towards whatever better future we can imagine for ourselves.

The key takeaway is summed up by a quote from Andy Warhol: "they always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

This book is a relatively quick and inspiring read, and provides solid suggestions for taking action.

What's your life plan?

Living Forward ITPE: A Proven Plan to Stop Drifting andGet the Life You Want

By Michael Hyatt, Daniel Harkavy